The uneasy, doubtful, exhausted and terrified thoughts are sinking in, already. I try to deter from using the term "homesick" because I no longer find the application of "home" to be a specific place, but rather people. Something that seems so obvious yet it took me 23-ish years to pinpoint this feeling as having less to do with location and more to do with relationships. Relationships give meaning to places, not to betray other aspects of places such as literal environment, smells, and euphoric feelings surrounding them as I definitely believe in the importance of sensory stimulus, but memories carry that much MORE weight if someone else was there to experience it with you and/or witness your experience there and most of all, share theirs.
I can't believe I am saying this but I am hoping that this "homesickness" is actually just plain ol' sickness, of the physical variety, creeping up on me. Because that will inevitably go away. It's getting to that point where I wouldn't be shocked if we all (my peers and I) start week 2 with more than some tickles in our throats. I had a trying day of which my final resounding thought is, "I just want my camera back" as if getting my camera back would solve the problems of the world, and my particular place in it, figuratively- not literally (no complaints about physical location right now). Silly maybe, but to think that would make me feel 100 times better is a pretty weighty thought and I happen to be giving into it right now. It's simple enough; I'm not asking for much.
This brings up the aspect of relationships in another way. The fact that they can end is always a possibility but to live as if they will is sinful in my opinion. You can say that the MIA status of my camera symbolizes the end of a relationship, a friendship specifically, in my life. I'd like my camera back so that I may focus my attention on people, places, and things that deserve my attention more right now and worry less about where this material possession is and instead get back behind it in a positive way or leave it in MY drawer, whatever it may be. The person who is choosing to keep it from me is consequently keeping me from moving full-throttle toward this goal. Although this is not a poem, rather a blog post, I think if Robert Frost could observe me today in 2010 he'd sense a lump in my throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness and there are no better words to summate the impulse that motivated me to type away on my keyboard in this fashion. Right here, right now.
Some Mexican food wouldn't hurt either... haha ;)... I'm trying a (read: the only) Mayan place here tomorrow. Wish me luck!
annnnnnd here's a (non)obligatory photo (from my trusty iPhone, obvi)! I'm notorious for tying everything in together so really I could go on a tangent about how this is relatable to above posting but instead I will leave you with the fact that I have escaped to a place in my mind, many times today, where my future house looks like this in the front, red barn is a must, and the back is of course all glass overlooking the ocean on a beach, balcony included. "Quaint farmhouse in the front; party beach house in da back!" Has a sweet ring to it, eh? :) Who's with me?!?!
A walk down Kipling Road. Brattleboro, VT. 9.9.10
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